We're Going To Eat You (80)

Tsu Hark is a legendary director amongst both martial arts fans and HKophiles, and rightly so. We're Going to Eat You shows that even as an inexperienced director, Hark could still make awesome films.

Firstly, this isn't your usual kung fu movie with easily determined good guys and bad guys. There are repenting thieves, evil boatman/cooks, along with the consumate goodie Agent 999 and the evil Chief.

The story goes along the lines of two men landing on an island, one of catch a crinimal, the other to basically steal things. There is a town on the island, but there is no meat, so the chief sends out his army of retarded masked men to capture any outsiders, to kill them, and then ration them to the always hungry townsfolk, who gobble it down, even with knowing exactly where the meat came from.

There is lots of comic relief here, with one giant shemale wanting to get her hands on any male she can, and in one humorous scene, pins one down while he trys to trick her by exclaiming "You can't do me, I've got syphilis", to which she says "Good, so do I". There is also a lot of slapstick, even during the fight scenes. If you ever wanted to see three people take on an entire town using fireworks, you will enjoy this movie.

I really liked We're Going To Eat You, as a bit of variance from what we usually see in martial arts films.

Ninja Terminator (85)

Yes, who will survive? The red ninja, or the black one? Or perhaps the loser will be Maria Francesca's acting career?

Who is Maria Francesca, you ask? She is Richard Harrison's wife, the enigmatic "actor" who has appeared in 18 films with the word Ninja in the title. She is also the worst actress I have ever seen. Sure, the bad dubbing contributes, but her lifelessness and emotivelessness has me scrambling for long words to describe just how painfully bad she is at trying to play a character that is basically herself in real life.

As for the movie itself, three ninjas steal an empowering artifact from their wicked master, and each take a piece. When one dies after a sudden two year jump cut (more on that later), the other two plan to steal the other's piece, before realising that they'd best team up against their former boss.

There is the usual silliness one would associate with a terrible ninja movie, such as an asian sub-boss with a terrible blonde wig, a toy robot delivering both warnings and blinding smoke in equal amounts, and of course, the infamous 'steamed crabs' scene, complete with shrukened crabs. I also must say a few words about Jaguar Wong, Harrison's hired help. He oozes cool, and I'm sorry to say he wasn't a prolific actor. The actions is quite good on both the ninja and kung fu sides, with a clever beach scene. However, the editing was pretty bad, especially at the start, with really quick cuts that annoyed me.

I enjoyed Ninja Terminator, and will hazard a recommendation to both awful movie aficionados and martial arts fans.