We're Going To Eat You (80)

Tsu Hark is a legendary director amongst both martial arts fans and HKophiles, and rightly so. We're Going to Eat You shows that even as an inexperienced director, Hark could still make awesome films.

Firstly, this isn't your usual kung fu movie with easily determined good guys and bad guys. There are repenting thieves, evil boatman/cooks, along with the consumate goodie Agent 999 and the evil Chief.

The story goes along the lines of two men landing on an island, one of catch a crinimal, the other to basically steal things. There is a town on the island, but there is no meat, so the chief sends out his army of retarded masked men to capture any outsiders, to kill them, and then ration them to the always hungry townsfolk, who gobble it down, even with knowing exactly where the meat came from.

There is lots of comic relief here, with one giant shemale wanting to get her hands on any male she can, and in one humorous scene, pins one down while he trys to trick her by exclaiming "You can't do me, I've got syphilis", to which she says "Good, so do I". There is also a lot of slapstick, even during the fight scenes. If you ever wanted to see three people take on an entire town using fireworks, you will enjoy this movie.

I really liked We're Going To Eat You, as a bit of variance from what we usually see in martial arts films.

Ninja Terminator (85)

Yes, who will survive? The red ninja, or the black one? Or perhaps the loser will be Maria Francesca's acting career?

Who is Maria Francesca, you ask? She is Richard Harrison's wife, the enigmatic "actor" who has appeared in 18 films with the word Ninja in the title. She is also the worst actress I have ever seen. Sure, the bad dubbing contributes, but her lifelessness and emotivelessness has me scrambling for long words to describe just how painfully bad she is at trying to play a character that is basically herself in real life.

As for the movie itself, three ninjas steal an empowering artifact from their wicked master, and each take a piece. When one dies after a sudden two year jump cut (more on that later), the other two plan to steal the other's piece, before realising that they'd best team up against their former boss.

There is the usual silliness one would associate with a terrible ninja movie, such as an asian sub-boss with a terrible blonde wig, a toy robot delivering both warnings and blinding smoke in equal amounts, and of course, the infamous 'steamed crabs' scene, complete with shrukened crabs. I also must say a few words about Jaguar Wong, Harrison's hired help. He oozes cool, and I'm sorry to say he wasn't a prolific actor. The actions is quite good on both the ninja and kung fu sides, with a clever beach scene. However, the editing was pretty bad, especially at the start, with really quick cuts that annoyed me.

I enjoyed Ninja Terminator, and will hazard a recommendation to both awful movie aficionados and martial arts fans.

Wendy's Grill Skills (89)

I don't just look at movies here, oh no. I also look into edutainment films, terrible ones. Videos so lame and cringe worthy that a part of you dies inside after a viewing. Wendy's instructional video Grill Skill is one such piece of... something.

It starts off simple enough. A Wendy's worker starts his shift one day, when he is told to see his boss, who tells him he will be promoted onto the grill, and he has to watch a tape to prepare him for the momentous occasion. And that's when things start to go wrong...

First, the TV starts to shake, and smoke. Then, the young lad gets SUCKED into the TV, where he's confronted by a grill and a BLACK MAN IN A TRILBY!!! Since he is black, he instantly starts rapping to horrible 80's synth shit, and comically plays his spatula like a guitar. I'll leave you to watch the rest, but look out for the dorky guy, whose voice reaches levels even dogs can't hear.

To top it off, there's one of the corniest "Oh Look, I'm Doing It!!!" montages I've ever seen. But still, the worst is yet to come...

A music video by the Wendy's staff, who seem to be collectively the biggest group of nerds and rednecks ever assembled in one place. Their hairstyles and mustaches truly are a thing of nightmares.

I can't take it anymore. I am off to America for a Wendy's burger.

(Un)luckily for you, the majority of the video is on youtube.

Part 1:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUKDspx0LZ0

Part 2:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2mWxFAndxg

Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter (01)

This is one of the most entertaining movies I have seen since Citizen Toxie. How can a short hair and ear-ringed J.C. fighting off lesbian vampires not be funny?

The above is basically the plot, but all sorts of silly shit happens. I mean, one minute a hairy tranny is helping him out of the gutter, then his ice cream talks him, then Mexican wrestling hero Santo arrives by plane out of nowhere, all in the space of a couple of minutes. There are also random songs, blind scat singers with bad teeth and all out brawls. There is never a moment to stop and actually comprehend what is happening at any one moment.

As I mentioned, there are plenty of fight scenes through JC: VH. While definately not up to the standards of the usual HK fare, they are still amusing considering the low budget and the fact that it took two years to shoot. The makers also appear to be wrestling fans, judging by the ineptly executed wrestling movies, and the appearance of Santo, who I doubt anyone outside of wrestling fans would have heard of.

Sure, the acting was terrible, as were the special effects, but I didn't stop laughing the entire time, which is an instant thumbs up from me.

Blind Beast (69)

I was in the same boat as I'm guessing most of the people reading this are; how shocking can a movie from the 60's be? Very shocking, is what I'd say in regards to Blind Beast.

The plot for the majority of the film involves a blind sculpter kidnapping a young model, and locking her in his weird studio. The model then spends most of the remainder of the film trying to get out, in different ways. Then, for some reason, the last twenty minutes are almost completely different to the rest of the film, turning way more arthouse and also more exploitative, disturbing, and even bordering on pinku.

What stands about Blind Beast is how proficent the whole thing looks. Other then one or two things (such as small televisions), Blind Beast could be released now and it would still look modern. The studio room where most of the film takes place is amazing, with the walls obscured with life-size stone limbs and other giant body parts, and the two behemothic sculptures in the centre of the room. The acting is also very good, especially the blind guy.

I went into Blind Beast not knowing what to expect, and came out pleasently surprised. It suceeds as a stylish but creepy and ultimately freaky Japenese film, and did it all without a lot of nudity or blood.

Mr Vampire (85)

I guess the best way to describe Mr Vampire is any traditional HK martial arts film mixed with Evil Dead II. I mean, amongst the excellent kung fu that you would expect from HK, there is quite a lot of slapstick and other supernatural shenanigans.

The plot is based around a mortuary owner and his two young employees (one who looks like he's 40 odd), and their fight against the strange hopping vampires that appear after a body is dug up. They also throw in a sub-plot involving one of the young lads being haunted sexually by a lady ghost. True, it doesn't make sense, but who the hell cares, it's entertaining!

While a lot of what happens is based around mythology in regards to how to beat vampires, some things still are very strange. The already mentioned hopping vampires is one, but eccentric spells like chicken blood (extracted ungraphically on screen) mixed with sticky rice and a snake's gall bladder (extracted graphically on screen) are just flat out oddball.

The kung fu is of a high standard, while not of Yuen Clan insanity, it is still exciting, with bodies flying everywhere and stuff being smashed. One problem I did have was the somewhat slow start, but it isn't excrutiatingly slow paced, so it's no big deal.

I really enjoyed Mr Vampire, and so should other martial art fans. Apparently, there is another 3 or 4 Mr Vampires around that I'll have to chase up.

Welcome to the Sick, the Strange & The Awful

Welcome to the Sick, the Strange & The Awful, the blog that astonishingly enough reviews films that are either sick, strange, or awful.


Where did I get the idea for this blog? From Mr Johnny 666, who runs the wonderful blog Dreams Blacker Then Death, where he looks at both the rare sleaze as well as the giant blockbuster horror.

Another blog I really enjoy is Space Bears, Zombie Midgets and Werewolves driving cars!: TheDamnedThing's official blog , written by of course, TheDamnedThing. He mainly delves into extremely terrible and shitty movies, and writes his thoughts down as he watches, with hilarious results.

Where I will be different, is in what I like to watch. I prefer different kinds of films, usually staying away from the ultra-filth, and delving more into strange and bizarre, and sometimes downright terrible films. There will be quite a lot of crazy martial art flicks, hilarious bad films, and other weird films I try to watch regularly.


Well that's about it, except that comments are most welcome and appreciated, and I hope you enjoy the blog!